1 00:00:07,839 --> 00:00:09,560 As we enter the third week, 2 00:00:09,599 --> 00:00:11,199 I find Mr Tickle's attention-seeking, tent-based twattery 3 00:00:11,240 --> 00:00:13,199 even more annoying than in weeks one and two. 4 00:00:13,240 --> 00:00:16,800 Peter Mannion has been picking on a man with a history of depression. 5 00:00:16,839 --> 00:00:18,440 -EMMA: I Call App Britain. -App. 6 00:00:18,480 --> 00:00:20,679 -MANNION: I Call Up Britain? -I Call App Britain. 7 00:00:20,719 --> 00:00:23,359 Silicon Playgrounds are - is - go. 8 00:00:23,399 --> 00:00:26,120 I just hope Mannion can keep his baccy-stained fingers out of it. 9 00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:28,000 I Call You Up...App. 10 00:00:28,039 --> 00:00:30,199 I couldn't have looked more of a twat unless I'd announced it 11 00:00:30,239 --> 00:00:33,520 dressed as a mermaid with scallops on my tits! 12 00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:35,719 I was picked up at seven, of course I haven't walked the dog. 13 00:00:35,759 --> 00:00:37,759 I barely had time to take myself for a shit. 14 00:00:37,799 --> 00:00:40,000 Phil, I'm sure you're suffering from Peter withdrawal symptoms 15 00:00:40,039 --> 00:00:42,600 but, I really, really need you to keep an eye on the Tickel issue. 16 00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:45,679 Thought Camp ETA 13 minutes, okay? 17 00:00:45,719 --> 00:00:47,520 You're taking the bridge, Kieran. 18 00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:49,759 Okay, well, you can start by not referring to him as Gyppo. 19 00:00:49,799 --> 00:00:51,079 Or Gypsy, Phil. 20 00:00:51,119 --> 00:00:52,799 It's not the abbreviation that's the problem. 21 00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:54,600 If he has a thorn in his paw, 22 00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:56,719 it must be from when you took him for a walk yesterday. 23 00:00:56,759 --> 00:00:58,320 What do you mean, you're in charge? 24 00:00:58,359 --> 00:00:59,600 You are not in fucking charge, you doughnut. 25 00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:01,359 Of course you're going to keep me informed, 26 00:01:01,399 --> 00:01:03,560 I want the full crunch on all the feeds, as usual. 27 00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:05,159 Everything below the equator. 28 00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:06,760 Take him to the dog hospital. 29 00:01:06,799 --> 00:01:09,680 No, I'm not being sarcastic. There is one. 30 00:01:09,719 --> 00:01:11,000 Keep an eye on things, all right? 31 00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:13,120 The number will be in the folder. 32 00:01:13,159 --> 00:01:14,439 What? (SIGHS) 33 00:01:14,480 --> 00:01:15,879 Where are you taking us, Stewart? 34 00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:18,599 This Mind Kampf is in the middle of nowhere. 35 00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:21,560 Thought Camp, Peter. And isolation is the mother of renewal. 36 00:01:21,599 --> 00:01:24,040 We shall retreat to go forwards. 37 00:01:24,079 --> 00:01:25,959 Terrible signal. 38 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:28,159 Phil sounded like he was phoning in a report on an African coup. 39 00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:31,480 -Why's he even gone in today? -I put him on Tickel oversight. 40 00:01:31,519 --> 00:01:33,439 STEWART: Oh, the eviction. 41 00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:36,799 Well, cutting the guy ropes on his tent is hardly the siege of Troy. 42 00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:40,159 Bailiffs thought it would be easier today, quicker or quieter. 43 00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:41,920 Yeah, but I want Phil sealed off, right? 44 00:01:41,959 --> 00:01:44,959 He makes no statement today, not even off the record. 45 00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:47,920 -He wanted to feel useful. -Then he should sell his organs. 46 00:01:47,959 --> 00:01:49,480 -Glenn. -What? 47 00:01:49,519 --> 00:01:51,000 What the fuck are you doing here? 48 00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:52,599 Oh, God, you're not living here, are you? 49 00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:54,400 Oh, no, no, no. I just got, er, 50 00:01:54,439 --> 00:01:56,439 some stuff I've got to catch up on. 51 00:01:56,480 --> 00:01:58,719 Plus, one of my neighbours is having a rooftop barbecue 52 00:01:58,760 --> 00:02:00,079 and I didn't fancy being bombarded 53 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:02,239 with chicken bones and Radio 1. 54 00:02:02,280 --> 00:02:04,599 Anyway, why aren't you on Stewart's away day? 55 00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:06,439 Drinking herbal tea and playing leapfrog? 56 00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:08,199 I told Stewart where to get off. 57 00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:09,800 Yeah, well, we've got the whole palace to ourselves, eh? 58 00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:11,280 Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. 59 00:02:11,319 --> 00:02:13,840 Yeah, but very much alive. Well, one of us. 60 00:02:13,879 --> 00:02:15,159 I'll put the kettle on. 61 00:02:15,199 --> 00:02:17,599 Sure. Easy on the milk, shaky hands. 62 00:02:17,639 --> 00:02:22,680 Okay, people, abandon phones, all ye who enter here. 63 00:02:22,719 --> 00:02:24,039 And, er, watches, too. 64 00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:26,560 Time is a leash on the dog of ideas. 65 00:02:26,599 --> 00:02:29,560 This is like some weird inverted Dodge City. 66 00:02:29,599 --> 00:02:32,120 Presumably we're allowed to keep our six-shooters? 67 00:02:32,159 --> 00:02:33,800 I might want to blow my brains out. 68 00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:36,400 Stewart, my son's coming back from a school trip 69 00:02:36,439 --> 00:02:37,919 and I'm going to need to find out 70 00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:39,439 what time the coaches are arriving. 71 00:02:39,479 --> 00:02:41,560 Sorry, Mary, petal, same rules for everyone. 72 00:02:41,599 --> 00:02:42,919 Reception will take a message, yeah? 73 00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:44,479 But I mean, we all have children, yeah? 74 00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:46,479 Well, I don't literallybut... 75 00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:51,240 Okay, lovely people. Let's go truffling in the forest of knowledge. 76 00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:54,800 (WHISPERING) Come on. Quick. Fuck! Quick, come on. Fuck! 77 00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:56,439 Jesus Christ, what's happened? 78 00:02:56,479 --> 00:02:58,879 Is this the start of some zombie apocalypse? 79 00:02:58,919 --> 00:03:00,560 What are you guys doing in? 80 00:03:00,599 --> 00:03:02,400 Well, work comes first with me, Adam, you know that. 81 00:03:02,439 --> 00:03:04,960 Protestant ethic. Oh, not that I'm at all anti-Catholic. 82 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:06,000 You're in for? 83 00:03:06,039 --> 00:03:07,719 A meeting with Fergus. 84 00:03:07,759 --> 00:03:10,000 Heads up, Lady and the Tramp are in, too. 85 00:03:10,039 --> 00:03:11,439 Yeah, I know. Cheers. 86 00:03:11,479 --> 00:03:13,560 Just make sure you copy me in on any minutes. 87 00:03:13,599 --> 00:03:16,319 Okay. How about you copy that, yeah? 88 00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:18,599 'Cause its party business, it's not ministerial. 89 00:03:18,639 --> 00:03:20,759 The meeting is in the department. 90 00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:22,520 While Peter is absent, I am his surrogate. 91 00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:24,000 The King's Hand. 92 00:03:24,039 --> 00:03:27,080 Yeah, finish him off with that hand as well, do you? 93 00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:29,199 -Prick. -(DOOR CLOSES) 94 00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:31,280 I may be needed. 95 00:03:31,319 --> 00:03:33,800 I've been needed in the past. 96 00:03:33,840 --> 00:03:38,400 Okay, people, I'd like to start this session with a question. 97 00:03:38,439 --> 00:03:41,599 When is a party not a party? 98 00:03:41,639 --> 00:03:43,759 -When it's at your house? -(ALL LAUGHING) 99 00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:45,400 Peter! 100 00:03:45,439 --> 00:03:47,199 STEWART: A party is not a party when it is plural. 101 00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:48,800 There she is, the Party. Singular! 102 00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:51,400 She thinks like you, she votes like you, 103 00:03:51,439 --> 00:03:54,439 she is not you and yet, of course, she is you. 104 00:03:54,479 --> 00:03:57,680 (SIGHS) I feel like I've joined the Scientologists. 105 00:03:57,719 --> 00:04:00,120 Some of these people want a federal Britain, others don't. 106 00:04:00,159 --> 00:04:02,159 And as long as we continue to do nothing, 107 00:04:02,199 --> 00:04:04,800 we can call that consensus. 108 00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:07,039 Why am I the only senior minister here? 109 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,479 Is JB punishing me? 110 00:04:08,520 --> 00:04:10,840 Look, Mary Drake's here, Home Office. 111 00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:14,280 And yes, JB is punishing you. 112 00:04:14,319 --> 00:04:17,439 Okay, let's MacIntyre this. Stand up. 113 00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:18,759 -Macintyre? -Let's find out... 114 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:21,079 In fact, chairs to the side, please. 115 00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:24,079 Great, vague prancing about. 116 00:04:24,120 --> 00:04:27,160 Isn't that one of the fundamental principles of democracy? 117 00:04:27,199 --> 00:04:29,519 Oh, I'm sorry, Peter, you want to share your thoughts? 118 00:04:30,879 --> 00:04:32,759 Hmm? 119 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:35,560 No, we just hoped we were going to do some dancing, er, Stewart. 120 00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:37,600 What, Merce Cunningham, something like that? 121 00:04:37,639 --> 00:04:39,560 Okay, maybe later you can share it with us. 122 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:41,519 But first of all, let me share something with you. 123 00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:43,680 How about this, Silicon Playgrounds, yeah? 124 00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:46,319 What caused this slow-motion pile-up? 125 00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:49,879 Shall we sit down and chew over hash-tag epicfail 126 00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:52,199 or shall we try and get some solutions on their feet? 127 00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:54,600 That's it. Just put it at the side, Peter. 128 00:04:54,639 --> 00:04:56,439 Then I was hoping to catch a bit of the snooker 129 00:04:56,480 --> 00:04:59,560 after I've finished collating those healthy workplace stats. 130 00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:00,839 Just down there. 131 00:05:00,879 --> 00:05:02,120 Glenn, you're a marvel, you know, you're like 132 00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:04,079 a modern-day Jeeves. 133 00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:06,519 Only not modern-day. 134 00:05:06,560 --> 00:05:08,800 Yeah, like Jeeves, but only not as good. 135 00:05:08,839 --> 00:05:11,079 This meeting, is it something I should be in on? 136 00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:12,600 ADAM: Well, it's not really a meeting. 137 00:05:12,639 --> 00:05:15,199 It's more sort of faces with lips making noise. 138 00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:17,360 Uh-huh. Sounds like a meeting. 139 00:05:17,399 --> 00:05:18,600 Yeah, well, you know, Fergus just called 140 00:05:18,639 --> 00:05:20,120 someone in for an exploratory chat. 141 00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:21,759 GLENN: Right. 142 00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:23,399 So, you know, stop Slytherin getting wind of it. 143 00:05:23,439 --> 00:05:26,439 -(PHONE CHIMES) -Oh, hang on. I've got to go. 144 00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:27,800 Need to get back to your telly. 145 00:05:27,839 --> 00:05:29,600 It takes a while to warm up, doesn't it? 146 00:05:29,639 --> 00:05:32,199 Here we are, at the coalface. 147 00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:35,120 Ah. Adam, this is Tara Strachan. 148 00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:36,720 -Hello, lovely to meet you. -Hi there. 149 00:05:36,759 --> 00:05:38,560 -Really lovely, lovely. -Shall we, er... 150 00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:41,360 -She's an economist and a lady. -Real pleasure, actually. 151 00:05:41,399 --> 00:05:43,839 Yes, obviously. Lovely. 152 00:05:43,879 --> 00:05:45,279 What's going on? Who's the skirt? 153 00:05:45,319 --> 00:05:47,199 Oh, I'd love to bring you up to speed, Phil. 154 00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:49,319 I really would but I'm not going to live long enough. 155 00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:50,600 So tell you what, why don't you go 156 00:05:50,639 --> 00:05:52,480 and help Glenn watch his telly? 157 00:05:52,519 --> 00:05:54,279 I think the dancing's on in a minute. 158 00:05:54,319 --> 00:05:56,879 -I really like your coat, by the way. -Thank you. Thank you. 159 00:05:56,920 --> 00:05:58,160 It's like a leopard. 160 00:05:58,199 --> 00:06:00,199 -It is a little bit. -Or a cheetah. 161 00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:03,199 Am I Supply-side Economics? 162 00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:05,040 -No. -Oh, bugger. 163 00:06:05,079 --> 00:06:06,600 Okay, Mary, come on, you've got to help Peter 164 00:06:06,639 --> 00:06:08,319 work out what political concept he is. 165 00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:10,120 You have one guess left. 166 00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:13,399 Keep the energy up, guys, chins up, yeah? 167 00:06:13,439 --> 00:06:16,120 Am I a solid, sensible concept? 168 00:06:17,439 --> 00:06:18,720 No. 169 00:06:18,759 --> 00:06:20,399 -The beauty of this model... -FERGUS: Yeah. 170 00:06:20,439 --> 00:06:23,560 ...is that microbanking can happen anywhere, okay? 171 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:25,879 -Great. -Small, low-interest loans, 172 00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:27,519 that's the way forward. 173 00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:30,079 This is terrific. I mean it's so fucking us, it's brilliant. 174 00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:32,000 -Adam, Adam. -Ah. 175 00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:35,639 Oh, don't worry, I don't mind swearing. Shows passion. 176 00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:37,800 I've done some community enterprise case studies. 177 00:06:37,839 --> 00:06:40,040 Sisters who want to set up a pop-up baker's 178 00:06:40,079 --> 00:06:41,800 in a disused travel agents, 179 00:06:41,839 --> 00:06:44,000 the boiler guy who wants to take on an apprentice. 180 00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:49,000 -Yeah. -The helping hand for hands-on people. 181 00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:50,360 -Yeah. -I like that, that's great. 182 00:06:50,399 --> 00:06:51,639 That's really good. 183 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:54,519 Making sure the can-doers don't get canned. 184 00:06:56,319 --> 00:06:57,879 Terrific. Yeah, really good. 185 00:06:57,920 --> 00:07:00,560 Would I be comfortable or uncomfortable talk... 186 00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:03,279 Yes or no questions only, please, Peter. 187 00:07:03,319 --> 00:07:06,959 Would I be uncomfortable talking to Andrew Marr 188 00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:09,800 -about this concept on the television? -Yes. 189 00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:13,519 -Am I Diversity? -No. 190 00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:15,639 You're out of questions, Peter. 191 00:07:16,639 --> 00:07:18,600 Oh, for fuck's sake, Inclusivity's 192 00:07:18,639 --> 00:07:20,319 practically the same as Diversity. 193 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:22,279 -No, it's not. -No, it isn't, Peter. 194 00:07:22,319 --> 00:07:23,879 I could be at home watching the snooker 195 00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:26,120 with a bottle of unpronounceable Scotch. 196 00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:27,279 Can I sit down now? 197 00:07:27,319 --> 00:07:29,240 I'm sitting down, I don't care. 198 00:07:29,279 --> 00:07:31,240 Actually, we can all sit down now. Thanks, Peter. 199 00:07:31,279 --> 00:07:33,000 Um, so take a chair 200 00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:36,000 because Emma's going to co-steer module four with me. 201 00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:38,600 We're going to do a kind of Top Trumps stats check 202 00:07:38,639 --> 00:07:40,959 on the PM's future enemies, yeah? 203 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:44,399 Strengths, weaknesses, blocking moves and take-downs. 204 00:07:44,439 --> 00:07:46,480 -Em. -Great, thank you, Stewart. 205 00:07:46,519 --> 00:07:49,519 You've turned into the wrong Mitford Sister. 206 00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:53,120 Basically, we'd set up a network of microcredit lenders 207 00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:54,519 at neighbourhood level. 208 00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:56,040 This is great. So, what would it be called? 209 00:07:56,079 --> 00:07:58,160 -Like the Citizens' Bank or... -The People's Bank? 210 00:07:58,199 --> 00:08:01,040 -Um, Community... -FERGUS: The Credit Fund? 211 00:08:01,079 --> 00:08:02,920 No, no, credit's a bad word. 212 00:08:02,959 --> 00:08:04,319 -Negative. -TARA: Um... 213 00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:06,439 -Something with "Advance"... -The We Bank? 214 00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:07,959 -The We Bank. -I like that. 215 00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:11,560 Although it does sound a bit like a...sperm bank. 216 00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:14,279 But for wee. 217 00:08:14,319 --> 00:08:17,439 There's a bit of a farce going on here with your Mr Tickle. 218 00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:19,680 They've turned up to evict him and he's not there. 219 00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:22,319 Good, self-evicted. Gone. Problem solved. 220 00:08:22,360 --> 00:08:24,959 Anyway, what's going on with Fergus and Adam and the sexy stranger? 221 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:26,600 She's some kind of economist, apparently. 222 00:08:26,639 --> 00:08:29,360 Oh, don't be ridiculous, she's far too attractive. 223 00:08:29,399 --> 00:08:30,800 You can get sexy economists, 224 00:08:30,839 --> 00:08:32,080 what about Stephanie Flanders on Newsnight? 225 00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:33,440 Yeah, that's true. 226 00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:36,200 -I quite like Emily Maitlis. -Really? 227 00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:38,600 Well, I'm sure she'd love a grey pounding. 228 00:08:38,639 --> 00:08:40,519 Do you want to have an ideagasm? 229 00:08:40,559 --> 00:08:42,159 Yes, please. 230 00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:44,399 Ask me how we'd initially fund this? 231 00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:48,200 BOTH: How would we initially fund this? 232 00:08:48,240 --> 00:08:50,039 A one-off Robin Hood tax. 233 00:08:50,759 --> 00:08:52,480 Steal from the fat cats, 234 00:08:52,519 --> 00:08:55,720 raise enough seed capital for hundreds of start-up funds 235 00:08:55,759 --> 00:08:57,399 for fledgling businesses. 236 00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:59,240 You know what? This could work really well for us. 237 00:08:59,279 --> 00:09:01,279 -This, this is, yeah. -Yeah? 238 00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:03,399 I mean, let's just talk figures. 239 00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:06,559 What sort of start-up capital are we talking here? 240 00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:09,320 Not very much. I think we're looking at about two billion. 241 00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:11,159 -(CLEARS THROAT) Two billion? -TARA: Two billion. 242 00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:15,039 Good. Well, I mean, obviously, I'd have to ring the Treasury. 243 00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:17,480 -TARA: Sure. -And twist a few arms. 244 00:09:17,519 --> 00:09:19,879 You know, it'll take a couple of weeks to work up 245 00:09:19,919 --> 00:09:24,559 but we are extremely keen to set that process in motion. 246 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:27,000 Nicola Murray, we're assuming she's on her way out. 247 00:09:27,039 --> 00:09:28,799 Well, that's a given, she's a political accident. 248 00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:30,759 Nobody can quite remember how it happened. 249 00:09:30,799 --> 00:09:33,000 Contender one, Ben Swain. 250 00:09:33,039 --> 00:09:38,799 Now, ABC1's over-30s consider him shifty and unfocused. 251 00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:40,799 -Can't think why that is. -(ALL LAUGHING) 252 00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:42,679 Geoff Holhurst. 253 00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:45,399 -STEWART: Tiny head. -Yeah, an Achilles head. 254 00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:49,120 Ah, Dan Miller, definitely our anti-fave. 255 00:09:49,159 --> 00:09:53,159 Charming, charismatic, clever, dedicated and... 256 00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:55,600 -Phwoar! God, he's hot. -(ALL LAUGHING) 257 00:09:55,639 --> 00:09:56,840 Yes, thanks, Em. 258 00:09:56,879 --> 00:09:59,080 Okay, let's architecturalise this, yeah? 259 00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:00,759 Oh, don't bother. 260 00:10:00,799 --> 00:10:03,440 If it's Ben Swain, we all shout "Sweaty Swain!" 261 00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:05,960 as he dehydrates himself through PMQs. 262 00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:09,200 Holhurst looks like a shepherd dressed up to meet the Queen. 263 00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:11,399 And if it's Dan Miller, we're fucked. 264 00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:13,600 I should tell you I do also 265 00:10:13,639 --> 00:10:15,840 have a meeting with Dan Miller booked in. 266 00:10:15,879 --> 00:10:17,600 What? 267 00:10:17,639 --> 00:10:20,600 I would just knock that right on the head. Don't do it. 268 00:10:20,639 --> 00:10:22,039 -FERGUS: Well... -(LAUGHING AWKWARDLY) 269 00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:25,600 He's in opposition, we rule. 270 00:10:25,639 --> 00:10:27,279 We're the rulers, we're the governors. 271 00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:31,159 And, you know, in the end, this is so fucking us. 272 00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:32,559 Fuck yeah! 273 00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:35,399 FERGUS: Yeah. 274 00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:37,759 Here. "Tara Strachan, LSE, Harvard, 275 00:10:37,799 --> 00:10:40,000 "author of Strapped: Why We're in Debt to Each Other. 276 00:10:40,039 --> 00:10:41,639 "Small is Bountiful. 277 00:10:41,679 --> 00:10:44,240 "Expert in microfinancing and community credit guilds." 278 00:10:44,279 --> 00:10:45,799 God, that sounds dreary. 279 00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:47,720 Bloody hell, that's all Fourth Sector stuff. 280 00:10:47,759 --> 00:10:50,399 I mean, why have they kept me out here like a stray dog? 281 00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:52,200 And why are they keeping Mannion out of it? 282 00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:53,840 This is government business! 283 00:10:56,879 --> 00:10:59,600 Right, that's enough. Stop, stop, stop! I demand an explanation. 284 00:10:59,639 --> 00:11:03,120 Sorry, Phil, we're busy. Maybe come back in, I don't know, 2017? 285 00:11:03,159 --> 00:11:05,039 As Peter's representative, it's as though you lied to him. 286 00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:06,559 That's not good, probably illegal. 287 00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:08,600 If you want to see something probably illegal, 288 00:11:08,639 --> 00:11:10,679 pass me that fucking stapler over there. 289 00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:12,720 Listen, is there a problem with me being here? 290 00:11:12,759 --> 00:11:14,279 -Not at all. -Yes, you're not supposed to be here. 291 00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:15,679 The Minister is unaware that you're here, 292 00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:17,000 so I'm going to have to ask you to leave. 293 00:11:17,039 --> 00:11:18,559 Oh, right, so she's a security risk? 294 00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:20,039 Oh, no, no, I'd forgotten. 295 00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:22,039 You're not allowed within 50 feet of most women. 296 00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:24,240 How do you explain this, then? I'm within 50 feet of you. 297 00:11:24,279 --> 00:11:26,320 -Ha ha, you're a woman. -Oh, brilliant, that is really good. 298 00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:28,840 GLENN: Fuck! Tickle's dead! 299 00:11:28,879 --> 00:11:30,799 -Oh, shit. -Jesus. 300 00:11:31,799 --> 00:11:33,399 GLENN: Oh, God, he's killed himself. 301 00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:36,000 Suicide. He used a car exhaust. 302 00:11:36,039 --> 00:11:39,279 Hey, classic. The Bohemian Rhapsodyof suicides. 303 00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:40,919 GLENN: Oh, Phil, for fuck's sake! 304 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:43,080 I'm sorry. I just, you know, I mean it's, it's... 305 00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:44,799 It's good in a way. 306 00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:47,600 He was drawing attention to an issue and now he's... 307 00:11:47,639 --> 00:11:49,639 he's not drawing attention to it... 308 00:11:49,679 --> 00:11:51,159 Can you just turn it down, all right? 309 00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:52,440 Because we have somebody in... 310 00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:53,799 GLENN: I'm going to ring Terri. 311 00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:55,360 God, I was just ringing you. 312 00:11:55,399 --> 00:11:56,759 Yeah, well, I got a heads-up from Janine at Reuters 313 00:11:56,799 --> 00:11:58,600 whilst I was planting the dwarf irises. 314 00:11:58,639 --> 00:12:00,720 This is going to take a lot of managing. Who's that? 315 00:12:00,759 --> 00:12:02,399 -No one. -Oh, Minister, sorry. 316 00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:04,080 Yes, I'm halfway through a draft. 317 00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:05,799 -Any minute. -Thank you, Terri. 318 00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:07,000 Is this the homeless nurse? 319 00:12:07,039 --> 00:12:08,240 -Er, yes. -That's awful. 320 00:12:08,279 --> 00:12:10,480 This is Mr Tickel, it's a tragedy. 321 00:12:10,519 --> 00:12:12,360 PHIL: Homeless out of choice, right, Fergus? 322 00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:14,720 Now is really not the time to... 323 00:12:14,759 --> 00:12:16,759 It's a tragedy and it's complicated. 324 00:12:16,799 --> 00:12:19,039 Not complicated enough for you to voice any public opposition. 325 00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:22,960 Hey, do you think we could not wash our dirty linen in public? 326 00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:24,519 I'm not the one who shat the bed. 327 00:12:24,559 --> 00:12:25,799 FERGUS: Tara, could you give us two minutes? 328 00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:27,559 Yeah. 329 00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:29,000 This situation calls for a black coffee and my Bluetooth headset. 330 00:12:29,039 --> 00:12:30,679 Do not touch that phone, Glenn. 331 00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:32,240 That is a Comms phone. 332 00:12:32,279 --> 00:12:34,080 EMMA: Um... 333 00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:36,399 No filters, Emma, first thoughts. We're policy-jamming here. 334 00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:39,519 Okay, um, 24-7 parliament. 335 00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:41,720 Oh, sorry, a little bit of mental housekeeping. 336 00:12:41,759 --> 00:12:43,600 There is only positivity in the circle. 337 00:12:43,639 --> 00:12:47,759 When someone makes a suggestion, we say, "Yes and..." 338 00:12:47,799 --> 00:12:50,320 Yes and what? 339 00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:52,080 We could, we could make a noise. 340 00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:54,000 What noise would you suggest, Mary? 341 00:12:54,039 --> 00:12:56,399 "Yes and ho." 342 00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:58,799 Great, let's run with that. "Yes and ho." 343 00:12:58,840 --> 00:13:00,000 Thanks. Emma. 344 00:13:00,039 --> 00:13:03,279 -24-7 parliament. -ALL: Yes and ho. 345 00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:05,799 Pay the unemployed to drive ambulances. 346 00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:07,879 ALL: Yes and ho. 347 00:13:07,919 --> 00:13:10,000 Free thermals for the elderly. 348 00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:11,840 ALL: Yes and ho. 349 00:13:11,879 --> 00:13:13,200 I'm just telling it straight. 350 00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:15,399 Adam, the girl is still in our office. 351 00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:17,519 Well... Well, then, let's get rid of her. 352 00:13:17,559 --> 00:13:19,639 Well, ask her out, that'll do it. 353 00:13:19,679 --> 00:13:21,360 -Did you get her a tea? -What? 354 00:13:21,399 --> 00:13:23,039 -She needs a tea. -Well, get her a tea. 355 00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:24,399 You get her a tea. 356 00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:25,919 You get her a tea, she's your girlfriend. 357 00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:27,600 -You get her a fucking tea. -I am the Minister. 358 00:13:27,639 --> 00:13:29,159 I can't. I don't even know where the tea is made. 359 00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:30,799 -Make her a tea. -Could you make her a tea? 360 00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:32,399 -I'm not making her tea, I'm in charge. -You're not in charge. 361 00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:34,000 -I am in charge. -GLENN: Get hold of Mannion, 362 00:13:34,039 --> 00:13:35,200 -they need to know about this. -I am Mannion, I am Peter. 363 00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:36,799 Hi, sorry. 364 00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:39,600 Um, can I get you anything? Can I get you a tea, coffee? 365 00:13:39,639 --> 00:13:41,320 -Oh, no, don't worry. You just... -Sure? 366 00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:43,200 -Okay, sit tight. -Yeah. 367 00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:44,799 It's fine, the protest is over. 368 00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:46,759 It solves the problem. It's gone away. 369 00:13:46,799 --> 00:13:49,600 It's like, there's a little 12-year-old boy in a suit 370 00:13:49,639 --> 00:13:51,480 with a fucking light sabre in his desk, 371 00:13:51,519 --> 00:13:52,919 don't think I don't know it's there, 372 00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:55,399 running this department when Mannion's away. 373 00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:57,519 -Yeah. So what? -It's a fucking joke. 374 00:13:57,559 --> 00:13:59,360 No, it's not. No, it's not. Have you seen Game of ThronesSeason 2? 375 00:13:59,399 --> 00:14:01,080 -No. -Or Anakin Skywalker, he was young. 376 00:14:01,120 --> 00:14:03,320 Frodo, in his 30s, still young for a hobbit. 377 00:14:03,360 --> 00:14:04,840 You know, I'm in charge. 378 00:14:04,879 --> 00:14:07,759 Because I'm a Jedi and you're a fucking Ewok. 379 00:14:07,799 --> 00:14:11,000 Right, what is the Ewok position on this, then? 380 00:14:11,039 --> 00:14:12,240 Free teabags. 381 00:14:12,679 --> 00:14:14,600 ALL: Yes and ho. 382 00:14:14,639 --> 00:14:17,960 Free maternity leave for people getting a puppy. 383 00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:20,000 ALL: Yes and ho. 384 00:14:20,039 --> 00:14:22,120 Er, Obese Olympics. 385 00:14:22,159 --> 00:14:24,000 ALL: Yes and ho. 386 00:14:24,039 --> 00:14:27,000 The line from Stewart via Emma was that I do nothing. 387 00:14:27,039 --> 00:14:29,200 That was the one clear instruction they gave me, okay? 388 00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:31,919 -We ignore him and he goes away. -He is dead. 389 00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:33,519 Which makes him easier to ignore. 390 00:14:33,559 --> 00:14:36,000 As a Minister, I should at least express condolences. 391 00:14:36,039 --> 00:14:39,440 -That should come from Peter. -But he's not here. I am. 392 00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:41,519 Has anyone seen my Bluetooth headset? 393 00:14:41,559 --> 00:14:43,559 Look, I speak for Peter and I say 394 00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:46,159 that we look guilty if we say we're sorry he died. 395 00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:47,679 I'll take that as a no. 396 00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:50,120 Listen, Phil, I was a journalist, okay? 397 00:14:50,159 --> 00:14:51,799 Now if you don't respond, you create a vacuum 398 00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:55,039 that sucks in speculation and then you can't respond. 399 00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:56,879 You get sucked fucking inside-out! 400 00:14:56,919 --> 00:14:59,039 Look, Tickle wasn't the queen of people's hearts, 401 00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:00,399 he was a twat in a tent. 402 00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:03,240 (SCREAMING) "Tick-el"! He was called "Tick-el"! 403 00:15:03,279 --> 00:15:05,320 We drove a man to his death! 404 00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:07,159 -We are responsible for this! -Shh! 405 00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:08,399 Glenn, please, shush. 406 00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:11,159 Do you think we could just pretend 407 00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:13,799 to behave like compassionate professionals 408 00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:15,679 in control, just for once? 409 00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:17,279 Yeah, okay, er... (SIGHS) 410 00:15:17,320 --> 00:15:20,799 Look, whatever the fallout from today, Megaphone Mary... 411 00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:23,000 You brought her in, she's your problem, okay? 412 00:15:23,039 --> 00:15:24,840 Right, fuck. Adam, we need to... 413 00:15:25,919 --> 00:15:27,840 (TARA TALKING INDISTINCTLY) 414 00:15:30,279 --> 00:15:33,000 Great stuff, Tara. We're going to go ahead with the bank. 415 00:15:33,039 --> 00:15:34,799 Yeah, meeting's over. 416 00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:36,480 -Don't you need to talk to the Treasury? -We've done that. 417 00:15:36,519 --> 00:15:40,000 Okay. Well, let's talk details... 418 00:15:40,039 --> 00:15:42,159 When it comes to interest rates, obviously you've got... 419 00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:44,120 Well, hey, you know, don't talk us out of it. 420 00:15:44,159 --> 00:15:46,200 (LAUGHS) You don't want to do that. 421 00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:48,559 So, is this the green light? 422 00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:50,799 Uh-huh, yep. Two billion pounds. 423 00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:52,759 -Oh, my God! -Oh! 424 00:15:52,799 --> 00:15:54,320 Oh! Yes. 425 00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:56,159 -Come here. -Oh, right. Okay. 426 00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:57,840 Great, great, okay, terrific. 427 00:15:57,879 --> 00:15:59,639 TARA: We'll be in touch. FERGUS AND ADAM: Thank you. 428 00:15:59,679 --> 00:16:01,559 -Thank you. -Lovely to meet you, great. 429 00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:03,600 What have we just green-lit? 430 00:16:03,639 --> 00:16:07,200 Well, we are starting a community bank with, er, two billion pounds. 431 00:16:07,240 --> 00:16:10,000 Right, is that the two billion pounds we keep in the biscuit tin? 432 00:16:10,039 --> 00:16:12,279 This is just great. This is just fucking great. 433 00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:14,759 -Oh. -I hang around this moral abattoir 434 00:16:14,799 --> 00:16:17,840 to do something exactly like this and you shut me out? 435 00:16:17,879 --> 00:16:21,000 So, I'm spending my bank holiday founding a bank? 436 00:16:21,039 --> 00:16:22,600 I thought the point about bank holidays 437 00:16:22,639 --> 00:16:24,559 is that they're supposed to be shut. 438 00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:26,840 You know, when we see something we like, we just buy it. 439 00:16:26,879 --> 00:16:28,399 -Oh, wow. -That's the way we work round here. 440 00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:31,399 I hope the Tickel situation is all okay. 441 00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:32,919 Well, it'll be fine. 442 00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:34,200 -Thank you. -Great. Lovely to meet you. 443 00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:35,759 See you soon. 444 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:44,840 Right, I'm in fucking charge and I'm going Nordic drama. 445 00:16:44,879 --> 00:16:46,279 Adam, secure the economist. 446 00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:49,159 You get Stewart and Mannion back here, stat. 447 00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:51,200 ADAM: Brilliant. Got that, guys? Yeah? Okay? 448 00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:53,559 Sure, I'll do it your way for now, Fergus, 449 00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:55,399 but they left me in charge for a reason. 450 00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:57,559 I bet you line up all your action figures 451 00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,360 along the edge of your bath, don't you? 452 00:16:59,399 --> 00:17:02,840 One, I've got a shower and two, they're still in the boxes. 453 00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:07,599 Emma, it's Phil, same message as before. 454 00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:10,079 Tickle's topped himself, press want me to respond, 455 00:17:10,119 --> 00:17:12,039 so just fucking ring me, okay? 456 00:17:12,079 --> 00:17:13,279 Have you got any of them yet? 457 00:17:13,319 --> 00:17:15,000 No, everyone's ignoring me. 458 00:17:15,039 --> 00:17:16,599 It's like the first year of university all over again. 459 00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:18,200 Fuck it, the whole of university. 460 00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:19,559 -(PHONE RINGING) -Jesus. 461 00:17:19,599 --> 00:17:22,039 Hello? No, I can categorically say 462 00:17:22,079 --> 00:17:24,200 that Peter Mannion will not be resigning over this. 463 00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:25,680 Thank you. 464 00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:27,720 -Who was that? -World at One.I handled it. 465 00:17:27,759 --> 00:17:30,480 You don't handle The World at One,Phil, they're not stolen goods. 466 00:17:30,519 --> 00:17:32,319 Now listen, if you want to go and play phones, 467 00:17:32,359 --> 00:17:33,680 you can go down to the creche 468 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:36,119 where there's a big phone with big, boggly eyes 469 00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:38,039 that go round and round when you wheel it about. 470 00:17:38,079 --> 00:17:39,279 Now, piddle off! 471 00:17:39,319 --> 00:17:40,839 (PHIL SIGHS) 472 00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:43,079 We've got to put something out there, Terri. 473 00:17:43,119 --> 00:17:44,920 That boy is a simpleton. 474 00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:47,440 Two hundred years ago, they wouldn't have let him milk a cow. 475 00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:51,480 Jonty, Terri here over at Hectic House. 476 00:17:51,519 --> 00:17:54,519 (LAUGHS) No. No, Peter's not resigning. 477 00:17:54,559 --> 00:17:56,279 Free apples. 478 00:17:56,319 --> 00:17:58,559 ALL: Yes and ho. 479 00:17:58,599 --> 00:17:59,799 Free coffins. 480 00:17:59,839 --> 00:18:02,640 ALL: Yes and ho. 481 00:18:02,680 --> 00:18:05,279 Reduce the deficit with spending cuts. 482 00:18:05,319 --> 00:18:06,960 ALL: Yes and ho. 483 00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:09,759 Peter, Peter, I want to hear new ideas 484 00:18:09,799 --> 00:18:12,200 ricocheting off your sinuses like a pinball, 485 00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:13,559 not just a two-year-old slogan, huh? 486 00:18:13,599 --> 00:18:16,480 Okay, Dr Jazz, let's hear it. 487 00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:19,440 We do away with computers. 488 00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:23,000 -ALL: Yes and h... -You idiot, that's fucking mental! 489 00:18:23,039 --> 00:18:25,519 No blocking, Peter, only counterpoint. 490 00:18:25,559 --> 00:18:26,960 Do away with computers, what do we think? 491 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:29,000 How would it affect us? Good idea, bad idea? 492 00:18:29,039 --> 00:18:30,279 Good idea for me, I wouldn't get 493 00:18:30,319 --> 00:18:32,200 any more of your fucking emails. 494 00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:35,480 Try and stay cross-legged if you can, Peter, don't break the circle. 495 00:18:35,519 --> 00:18:37,599 I'm 54, Stewart, my knees are fucked 496 00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:39,200 and my patience is snapped, 497 00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:40,720 some of us had to go through this hippie shit 498 00:18:40,759 --> 00:18:42,440 the first time around. 499 00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:44,720 I'm not talking about trying to sell it to the electorate, Peter. 500 00:18:44,759 --> 00:18:47,720 I'm talking about exploring it within the free space of the circle. 501 00:18:47,759 --> 00:18:50,160 Okay, give me the ball. Give me the ball. 502 00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:51,599 -Give me the ball. -No. 503 00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:54,559 Give me... Give me the fucking ball, Stewart! 504 00:18:56,119 --> 00:18:58,799 -Let's do away with you. -What? 505 00:18:58,839 --> 00:19:01,559 Filters off, Daddy-o, let it all hang out. 506 00:19:01,599 --> 00:19:04,599 Just suppose your free-range no-consequence bullshit 507 00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:06,599 was hugely entertaining when we were in opposition 508 00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:08,079 and shitting money 509 00:19:08,119 --> 00:19:09,319 but now that we're in government 510 00:19:09,359 --> 00:19:11,000 and it's all gone a bit JG Ballard, 511 00:19:11,039 --> 00:19:13,599 -it's irrelevant and infantile? -Oh, very droll, Peter. 512 00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:16,599 Oh, and maybe the reason you don't mind handing your phone in 513 00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:18,799 is that it doesn't ring as much as it used to. 514 00:19:18,839 --> 00:19:23,200 Oh, sorry, doesn't ring as much as it used to, yes and ho. 515 00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:27,480 Er, I'm sorry, but does the sign on the door say "Do disturb"? 516 00:19:27,519 --> 00:19:28,799 No. 517 00:19:28,839 --> 00:19:30,680 Sorry, it is urgent. 518 00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:34,400 Your office says, "Peter Mannion and Stewart Pearson 519 00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:37,279 "should check their phones and call back now please." 520 00:19:37,319 --> 00:19:38,720 Fine. Well, you've... You've burst 521 00:19:38,759 --> 00:19:41,359 the thought bubble, um, receptionist, 522 00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:42,559 so that's great, no. 523 00:19:42,599 --> 00:19:44,319 Thank you very much. Fantastic. 524 00:19:44,359 --> 00:19:47,119 -Okay, everyone, just take... -(PHONE CHIMES) 525 00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:48,759 Sorry, is that a phone, Emma? 526 00:19:48,799 --> 00:19:51,599 Er, hotline. Number 10. 527 00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:53,920 It's just I'm amending some boring policy drafts. 528 00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:55,759 They're encrypted but I've got to keep it on me. 529 00:19:55,799 --> 00:19:57,119 It's a pain, actually. 530 00:19:57,160 --> 00:19:59,160 PETER: And Stewart hasn't got one. 531 00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:00,839 GLENN: Want the opinion of an old lag? 532 00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:04,519 Mannion will have to go. 533 00:20:04,559 --> 00:20:07,680 Stick to "policemen are getting younger", Glenn. 534 00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:09,279 Peter's going nowhere, 535 00:20:09,319 --> 00:20:11,400 and I don't mean that in a "Glenn's career" kind of way. 536 00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:13,480 I've seen a lot of people resign 537 00:20:13,519 --> 00:20:16,200 and they're always happier afterwards. 538 00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:18,599 You're thinking of lobotomies. 539 00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:22,440 Peter resigns over my dead body. 540 00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:26,160 Yes, yes, that would be the ideal scenario. 541 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:27,599 It's probably just Phil. He will have 542 00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:29,359 run out of colouring books or something. 543 00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:32,000 Anything to get out of Stewart's think sphincter. 544 00:20:32,039 --> 00:20:35,160 Hello, receptionist, could I have my phone please? 545 00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:36,519 Um, your name, sir? 546 00:20:36,559 --> 00:20:38,319 -It's Stewart. -Stewart...? 547 00:20:38,359 --> 00:20:40,119 Stewart Pearson. 548 00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:41,920 -Peter Mannion, mine's the old Nokia. -EMMA: It's engaged. 549 00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:43,400 PETER: Yeah, thank you. 550 00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:45,119 Look, mine's the one with Stewart written on it. 551 00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:46,759 -No, nothing. -Just keep trying. 552 00:20:46,799 --> 00:20:48,240 It's engaged. 553 00:20:48,279 --> 00:20:50,039 I can't get any reception. 554 00:20:50,079 --> 00:20:52,359 -No, you won't round here. -What? 555 00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:54,599 "No reception at reception," we always say. 556 00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:57,599 The best spot, sounds stupid, is the children's play area, 557 00:20:57,640 --> 00:20:58,839 top of the slide? 558 00:21:00,839 --> 00:21:02,039 Nothing. 559 00:21:04,039 --> 00:21:06,000 -God, I hate the country. -(GRUNTS) 560 00:21:06,039 --> 00:21:08,440 STEWART: Get higher, you idiot. 561 00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:12,000 That's it, that's it, I've got something. 562 00:21:12,039 --> 00:21:14,519 Download the intel, Peter. Come on, put it on speaker. 563 00:21:14,559 --> 00:21:17,680 No, I've got loads of messages from my wife and from Phil. 564 00:21:17,720 --> 00:21:19,599 (STEWART SIGHS) 565 00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:21,960 -She's taking the dog to the hospital... -Oh, come on. 566 00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:23,839 She's had a long wait... 567 00:21:25,839 --> 00:21:27,559 The wound in his paw's gone septic. 568 00:21:27,599 --> 00:21:28,839 Oh, please Peter, move on. 569 00:21:30,519 --> 00:21:32,200 -Tickle's dead. -What? 570 00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:34,880 Tickle's dead. 571 00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:36,480 Okay, it's my turn on that signal, Peter, get down. 572 00:21:36,519 --> 00:21:37,799 Wait, I'm listening to the message. 573 00:21:37,839 --> 00:21:39,640 I'm listening to the fucking message. 574 00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:41,599 -Don't... -I need to get this signal! 575 00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:44,000 -Stop being so childish! -Jesus Christ! 576 00:21:44,039 --> 00:21:46,119 Just get down, Peter. 577 00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:47,640 (PETER GRUNTS) 578 00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:49,599 -I've got it, I've got it. -EMMA: Playtime's over. 579 00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:51,440 Tickle's dead, okay? Number 10's gone off the hook mental. 580 00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:53,400 Stewart, take my phone to call the PM. 581 00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:56,400 Right, Phil's meeting us, he's going to bring a shirt, suit and tie. 582 00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:58,000 You are not going to arrive looking like 583 00:21:58,039 --> 00:22:00,440 the manager of an organic wine bar. 584 00:22:00,480 --> 00:22:01,839 Right. Come on, come on, come on! 585 00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:03,759 -Movement. -STEWART: Shh, shh! Hello? 586 00:22:03,799 --> 00:22:06,440 Update, Phil's intercepting Peter. 587 00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:08,680 Everyone's coming back here, half an hour. 588 00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:12,079 Coverley, Comms. Yeah, can you hold one second, please? 589 00:22:12,119 --> 00:22:14,720 ETA plus 30 minutes GMT. 590 00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:18,079 Well, anyway, um, 591 00:22:18,119 --> 00:22:20,599 Mannion has surely got to freeze housing disposals now. 592 00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:22,079 Yeah. And on that point, Glenn, 593 00:22:22,119 --> 00:22:24,039 I wonder if it might be at all helpful 594 00:22:24,079 --> 00:22:27,720 if we collated every single statement Mannion's made about Tickle 595 00:22:27,759 --> 00:22:29,759 and the sell-off policy? 596 00:22:29,799 --> 00:22:32,200 Yeah, as a sort of favour to selected hacks. 597 00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:35,000 Put a bit of air between us and the policy, a lot of air. 598 00:22:35,039 --> 00:22:37,960 Adam, this is not the time for party political point-scoring. 599 00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:41,000 -At least let the body get cold. -Of course, understood! 600 00:22:41,039 --> 00:22:42,359 What was it? What was it Peter said 601 00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:44,200 to those Welsh chartered surveyors? 602 00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:47,640 The health service should be for care, not subsidised housing. 603 00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:49,000 I mean, that is... 604 00:22:49,039 --> 00:22:51,000 (MIMES EXPLOSION) 605 00:22:51,039 --> 00:22:54,000 Jesus, is this what we came into politics for? 606 00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:56,559 Yeah. That and the pussy. 607 00:22:59,039 --> 00:23:01,000 What's that? 608 00:23:01,039 --> 00:23:03,039 I'm supposed to be commenting on a suicide, not a fucking camel race. 609 00:23:03,079 --> 00:23:05,079 I thought it would balance out the bad news. 610 00:23:05,119 --> 00:23:06,519 You know, yin-yang. Jon Snow does it. 611 00:23:06,559 --> 00:23:08,759 I want Tickle's movements over the last 24 hours 612 00:23:08,799 --> 00:23:10,400 and I want his complete mental health records 613 00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:12,319 since he first sat on a potty. 614 00:23:12,359 --> 00:23:14,119 Do you think you might need one or two computers for that, Stewart? 615 00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:16,039 Yeah, okay, 616 00:23:16,079 --> 00:23:18,119 well, we're going to try and dredge up some firefighting strategy. 617 00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:20,119 Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I'll top-load you as soon as we arrive. 618 00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:21,880 Yeah, thanks, okay. All right, bye. 619 00:23:21,920 --> 00:23:24,880 -Can I, can I take the seatbelt off? -No, Peter. 620 00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:26,319 Stewart, what are you doing? 621 00:23:26,359 --> 00:23:28,079 It helps with the car sickness. 622 00:23:28,119 --> 00:23:29,400 This is great, isn't it, Stewart? 623 00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:31,279 A conference on crisis management 624 00:23:31,319 --> 00:23:33,680 that's been scuppered by an actual fucking crisis. 625 00:23:33,720 --> 00:23:35,519 PHIL: We don't even know why he killed himself yet. 626 00:23:35,559 --> 00:23:37,319 I mean, suicide, it's pathetic. 627 00:23:37,359 --> 00:23:38,799 At least take some of your enemies with you, 628 00:23:38,839 --> 00:23:40,480 that's a noble death. 629 00:23:40,519 --> 00:23:42,319 This is going completely nuts, so many questions being asked. 630 00:23:42,359 --> 00:23:44,599 Yes, starting with, "Why did Phil bring a tie from the '90s?" 631 00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:46,599 Don't panic, I brought an alternative. 632 00:23:46,640 --> 00:23:48,160 But that's too far the other way. 633 00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:49,680 It makes him look guilty. 634 00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:51,680 How can he be guilty? He's got the perfect alibi. 635 00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:53,279 -He was at boot camp. -Oh. 636 00:23:53,319 --> 00:23:55,079 Brilliant, let's release that, hey? 637 00:23:55,119 --> 00:23:56,880 There's no actual blood on his hands 638 00:23:56,920 --> 00:23:59,400 and he remembered to wipe the fingerprints off the knife. 639 00:23:59,440 --> 00:24:01,160 Look, you can wear my tie, what about mine? 640 00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:02,680 -What's on your tie? -Tintin moon rockets. 641 00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:03,640 Oh, for fuck's sake. 642 00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:05,119 God, it amazes me you ever found 643 00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:06,319 your way out of your mother's womb. 644 00:24:06,359 --> 00:24:07,920 -Here he is. -Minister! 645 00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:10,000 Minister, does the government have blood on its hands? 646 00:24:10,039 --> 00:24:12,000 REPORTER 2: Minister, do you have anything to say to the family? 647 00:24:12,039 --> 00:24:13,599 REPORTER 3: Is this something that could have been prevented? 648 00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:15,480 REPORTER 4: Shouldn't you have done more, Minister? 649 00:24:15,519 --> 00:24:17,880 -Not the trousers. -Let's show a little more decorum. 650 00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:22,680 A man has died in tragic and complicated circumstances. 651 00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:26,440 This is not the time for barked questions or hurried judgement. 652 00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:28,359 But there will be a statement presently. 653 00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:31,119 REPORTER 3: Was Mr Tickel killed by politics, Mr Mannion? 654 00:24:34,039 --> 00:24:36,200 Heads-up now, yeah? 655 00:24:36,240 --> 00:24:38,400 Terri, poppet, can you send me out a cry-mail, 656 00:24:38,440 --> 00:24:40,880 "We give a toss, we're sorry for your loss", yeah? 657 00:24:40,920 --> 00:24:43,079 Peter, we might need to re-launch the trousers. 658 00:24:43,119 --> 00:24:46,680 Get him a tie, a bland one. Glenn, one of yours, yeah? 659 00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:48,680 Peter, I have a bit of news that 660 00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:50,480 I should probably make you aware of. 661 00:24:50,519 --> 00:24:53,359 Yes, I do know, Fergus. A man with an amusing name has died. 662 00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:56,000 Er, no, actually, it's that this morning I... 663 00:24:56,039 --> 00:24:58,519 Well, I set up a community bank. 664 00:24:59,559 --> 00:25:01,079 -What? -You did what? You... 665 00:25:01,119 --> 00:25:03,039 You set up a bank? 666 00:25:03,079 --> 00:25:05,519 I had a moment of weakness and they exploited it, like Hugh Grant. 667 00:25:05,559 --> 00:25:07,400 Yeah. Well, we didn't really have much choice 668 00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:10,400 because it was all going to piss in a kettle here, 669 00:25:10,440 --> 00:25:12,640 so we had to get the economist out of the way. 670 00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:14,359 What are you talking about? What economist? 671 00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:15,960 Well, we were having a preliminary meeting 672 00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:18,400 when Phil started to crow, Glenn was having a meltdown, 673 00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:19,880 it was getting embarrassing. 674 00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:22,599 You bought a bank out of social embarrassment? 675 00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:25,799 I sometimes buy The Big Issue out of social embarrassment, 676 00:25:25,839 --> 00:25:27,720 I don't buy a fucking bank! 677 00:25:27,759 --> 00:25:30,160 -Oh. -Peter, this is so fucking us. 678 00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:32,160 STEWART: Just wind back, right? 679 00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:35,039 Let's get this straight, just so I can deal with you two properly. 680 00:25:35,079 --> 00:25:36,599 How much is this bank? 681 00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:38,160 -Well, two billion. -Two billion. 682 00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:39,599 -Sweet Tracey Emin! -EMMA: Two billion? 683 00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:41,519 All right, don't need to shit yourself about it 684 00:25:41,559 --> 00:25:43,960 because we're not buying it, okay? It's funded by taxes. 685 00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:46,400 EMMA: Oh, that's all right, then. PETER: Oh, great! The triple. 686 00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:50,519 I'm a nurse killer, a banker, and now I'm raising fucking taxes! 687 00:25:50,559 --> 00:25:53,920 Well, you are meant to be the bad cop, so what's our out? 688 00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:56,799 You're giving me an actual noose along with a metaphorical one. 689 00:25:56,839 --> 00:25:58,359 -Trousers! -Sorry, I'm getting your trousers. 690 00:25:58,400 --> 00:25:59,839 (PHONE CHIMES) 691 00:25:59,880 --> 00:26:02,319 Jesus, so what were you guys doing at the hotel? 692 00:26:02,359 --> 00:26:05,359 There's a picture of you on a slide. It's been tweeted by a golfer. 693 00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:07,000 -Oh, for... -No, no, no, no, no! 694 00:26:07,039 --> 00:26:08,519 PHIL: It's going to go big, probably viral. 695 00:26:08,559 --> 00:26:09,799 Bigger than "Charlie bit my finger". 696 00:26:09,839 --> 00:26:11,720 You look like the Shit Family Robinson. 697 00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:13,440 (SCREAMS) 698 00:26:13,480 --> 00:26:15,599 -Jesus Christ! -Shit! 699 00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:18,039 Oh, poor Stewart. 700 00:26:18,079 --> 00:26:19,920 I think a bit of his brain broke. 701 00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:23,960 My phone broke! I was up to warlock general in Dragonlance. 702 00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:25,759 A year of my life, gone. 703 00:26:25,799 --> 00:26:28,000 FERGUS: Peter, speaking of socially embarrassing situations, 704 00:26:28,039 --> 00:26:31,799 what the fuck were you doing being photographed on a slide? 705 00:26:31,839 --> 00:26:35,960 It was the only place we could get a fucking signal! 706 00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:39,680 Two grown men in a playground? That's a pretty clear signal. 707 00:26:39,720 --> 00:26:41,839 EMMA: Peter, Number 10 have seen the photo, 708 00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:43,640 they don't want you to make a statement. 709 00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:45,200 So, Fergus, looks like you're up. 710 00:26:45,240 --> 00:26:47,079 Statement on Tickle in 10 minutes, okay? 711 00:26:47,119 --> 00:26:48,839 -Bring it! -I'm going to go talk Stewart down. 712 00:26:50,279 --> 00:26:52,480 I don't want the fucking trousers! 713 00:26:52,519 --> 00:26:55,359 Ah, Peter, sorry to take this off you, yeah? 714 00:26:55,400 --> 00:26:57,400 But that's swings and roundabouts, isn't it? 715 00:26:57,440 --> 00:26:58,839 -(MOBILE RINGING) -Coverley, Comms. 716 00:26:58,880 --> 00:27:01,440 -Yeah, statement in, er... Emma? -Yes. 717 00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:03,000 -Statement in? -Nine. 718 00:27:03,039 --> 00:27:04,240 Nine, nine minutes. 719 00:27:04,920 --> 00:27:06,920 Yeah. Okay, everyone. 720 00:27:06,960 --> 00:27:09,200 Terri Coverley offline. 721 00:27:09,240 --> 00:27:11,480 Okay, shall I bring you some tea? 722 00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:13,400 Oh, Peter. 723 00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:15,720 That tie's a bit rubbish, isn't it? 724 00:27:15,759 --> 00:27:19,240 Can I just... Why don't I just help you with that? 725 00:27:19,279 --> 00:27:21,559 -Well, I'm very willing to... -Take it. 726 00:27:21,599 --> 00:27:23,039 PHIL: Jesus Christ, Terri. 727 00:27:23,079 --> 00:27:26,400 Next time, why don't you just lick his spats? 728 00:27:26,440 --> 00:27:28,599 FERGUS: This is not about changing policy, 729 00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:32,000 this is not about running away from our obligations... 730 00:27:32,039 --> 00:27:34,400 Here you go, I managed to wrestle your tie back off Terri. 731 00:27:34,440 --> 00:27:36,440 I think there are still some of her fingernails in it, though. 732 00:27:36,480 --> 00:27:39,200 Well, in the grand scheme of things, that's not such a big deal. 733 00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:41,200 PHIL: You're not going to come and watch your guy give the statement? 734 00:27:41,240 --> 00:27:43,519 No. He's not my guy, Phil. 735 00:27:43,559 --> 00:27:46,200 I'm on my own here, there's no one quite like me. 736 00:27:46,240 --> 00:27:48,799 -Not here, not any more. -Yeah. 737 00:27:48,839 --> 00:27:50,559 You're the last VHS in Oxfam. 738 00:27:50,599 --> 00:27:52,519 They won't take them any more, I've tried. 739 00:27:52,559 --> 00:27:55,519 Seasons one to five of The X-Files. Nothing, can't give 'em away. 740 00:27:55,559 --> 00:28:00,559 For a fairer NHS, for a fairer public housing programme. 741 00:28:00,599 --> 00:28:03,799 PETER: He's exactly why people hate politicians. 742 00:28:03,839 --> 00:28:07,880 He's making me hate politicians. Him in particular. 743 00:28:07,920 --> 00:28:11,160 Any second now he's going to do the imaginary tits. 744 00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:14,200 -PETER: There they are. -(BOTH LAUGHING) 745 00:28:14,240 --> 00:28:15,680 Thank you. 746 00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:21,079 PETER: Look at him. 747 00:28:21,119 --> 00:28:25,640 Moments like this make you realise why Elvis shot so many TVs.